In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Ever Merciful…
Some of us were married, and those marriages did not work out. Instead of focusing on the negative side of such an event, let us be productive and help others by sharing what you would advise a brother or sister considering marriage to ask about before the marriage.
Others of us got married, and Allah blessed us with good marriages. This is also a great resource for others. Your success -a gift from Allah- includes steps in a process that worked out well. So share what worked out well for you, perhaps someone might find a great deal of benefit in it!
The topic is potentially very broad. Culture and local customs can play a role.
Let me begin by offering some general reminders that some of us might find helpful, by Allah’s Permission. (Contribute to the content of this article by using the “Leave a reply” feature below.)
1. Marry people of upright religion.
The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) said:
إذا أتاكم من ترضون خلقه ودينه فزوجوه إن لا تفعلوا تكن فتنة في الأرض وفساد عريض
“When someone comes to you with manners and religion you are pleased with, then marry him [to your wards]. If you do not, there will be trials in the land and widespread corruption.” [1]
When a person fears Allah and upholds his/her duty to Allah, such a person will respect and honor your rights, since Allah is the One who gave each person their rights. Openly disobedient people show the world that they do not really care about the limits of Allah in their personal practice, so why should we really expect that they would honor our rights?
Benefit: Guidance from the Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) is for both genders; it is not limited to the gender mentioned in the wording. This is a general principle applied broadly, unless there is evidence to restrict it to one of the two genders.[2]
Reminder: Of course, the best part of one’s upright religion is correct creed. Allah says:
فإن آمنوا بمثل ما آمنتم به فقد اهتدوا
“If they believe as you (the Prophet -may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace- and his believing Companions) have believed, they are indeed rightly guided.” (2:137)
2. Be practical and realistic regarding human flaws.
People are flawed. Be investigative, but not overly critical and unnecessarily disqualifying. Some people tend to look for any reason to reject a potential spouse; the slightest imperfection renders the potential spouse unsuitable! (Maybe that is why they never actually get married!) Instead, look for good solid basics, but do not require perfection. Consider how we are guided to realistic patience and a practical approach to a spouse’s flaws in the hadeeth:
لا يفرك مؤمن مؤمنة، إن كره منها خلقا رضي منها آخر
“A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her manners, he will be pleased with other manners she has.” [3]
3. Consider what is really important to you.
Don’t blindly follow other people’s “list of questions to ask”. After the basics of good religious beliefs and practice, with good manners, consider what is important to you personally. Start by being honest with yourself and admitting to yourself what is important to you. If you prefer a certain look or skin tone, or a certain ethnicity or cultural background, you are not a racist for that inclination. This is a matter of personal preference.
Example: It might seem silly or petty to some people, but if a person’s toenails need to be upon a certain standard, and this is something which is actually important to you, then ask to see the person’s toes. You might be saying: Why would that be important? Well, it is obviously not important to you, but others might find it significant enough. Some ladies might require a certain height, others might be inclined against a man with a patchy beard, or too much arm hair (or not enough).
The point is: Be honest with yourself. If physical looks are important to you, then seek out someone who matches your specific interests in that regard. If it is a sense of humor, or a level of seriousness in character, then seek out someone who possesses what you are looking for.
The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) said:
إذا خطب أحدكم المرأة فإن استطاع أن ينظر منها إلى ما يدعوه إلى نكاحها فليفعل
“When one of you proposes to a woman, if he is able to look at whatever might encourage him to marry her, let him do so.” [4]
Reminder: This is not only for the males; this hadeeth is guidance for females as well [2], to look at what they would consider important to them when considering a potential spouse.
Benefit: The wording of the hadeeth is general, “look at whatever might encourage him to marry her,” which includes toenails (as mentioned in the previous example), or anything else which is important.
Reminder: Do not over-emphasize physical appearance. Keep in mind that in 10 or 20 years, you are both likely unattractive (by your standards today). What will remain is what builds the marriage and raises children: piety, integrity, trustworthiness, honesty, cooperation, and integrity.
4. Do not approach marriage with disobedience and/or religious neglect.
Looking for a life partner is a serious thing. It helps you fulfill half of your religion. So do not approach such a crucial thing with disregard for important manners that protect your modesty and integrity. One of the most common acts of harmful disregard for Islamic rulings which I advise against is: Seclusion with one’s potential spouse, without a third party. Such a thing is forbidden, and it only brings your sworn enemy into the relationship before it even gets going! The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) said:
لا يخلون رجل بامرأة إلا ومعها ذو محرم
“A man must never be alone in seclusion with a woman without her mahram (male family member) present.” [5]
In a similar hadeeth:
لا يخلون أحدكم بامرأة، فإن الشيطان ثالثهما
“None of you should ever be alone with a lady, since the devil would be the third party among you.” [6]
This includes seclusion in a physical place, behind closed doors, and by extension: whatever situation would include the same potential harm. How many times have potential spouses met in private online, in heedlessness or intentional disregard, or chatted, texted, or called one another, and the Shaytaan did what he does!? He joins in and steers their private meeting into inappropriate and shameful things! We ask Allah for safety and well being.
The reality: If a potential spouse is willing to meet with you in seclusion (in person, by phone, or online), without a family member present or any third party, against the guidance of the Messenger of Allah (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace), then you should expect that -if you married that person-, then you will be troubled later: How can you trust this person who met with you in seclusion when that was not permissible? How can you feel safe that he/she will not be meeting others online in seclusion, since there is a basis of disregard for this matter from the start of the relationship? This can remain an unresolved and troubling matter throughout your marriage.
The solution: Shut the door on the Shaytaan. Approach marriage with modesty and integrity, through the lady’s guardian (walee) as a third party, and do not communicate without a third party, even if it is common, and even if the walee approves of such behavior. Protect your modesty and start your marriage the right way. May Allah give you success.
To be continued… in shaa’ Allah.
Written by: Moosaa Richardson (1445.01.23)
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTIONS:
From Abu Abdullah: Having a spouse with similar financial habits will smooth out your marriage immensely… Choose a spouse who has a healthy, loving relationship with both of their parents… Test their kindness (or have it tested). See how they are with people who can do nothing for them (waiters, old ladies needing help, etc.), animals, babies, elderly, etc.
From [Anonymous]: When choosing a wife, look for someone who will be well behaved and obedient to her future husband. In general, nowadays most of the women are influenced by the gender equality ideas by the liberals, and thus it might be a cause of future tensions. So look for someone who will be obedient.
CONTRIBUTE: Add to the discussion using the “Leave a reply” feature below.
FOOTNOTES:
[1] Collected by at-Tirmithee, Ibn Maajah, and others, from the report of Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him). Al-Albaanee called it hasan (sound) in Irwaa’ al-Ghaleel (no.1868).
[2] Based on the hadeeth of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), who narrated that Umm Sulaym (may Allah be pleased with her) asked about a woman’s nocturnal discharge from a sexual dream. The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) confirmed that the same ruling which applies to the men also applies to woman here, that such a woman must take a full bath if she finds evidence of ejaculation, and then he added this principle:
إنما النساء شقائق الرجال
“Women are merely the siblings of men.”
This authentic hadeeth was collected by Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, at-Tirmithee and others, and it proves that all rulings in Islam -by default- are for both men and women equally, until specific evidence exempts one or the other. See: Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah (no.2863).
[3] Collected by Muslim in his Saheeh (no.1469), from the report of Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him).
[4] Collected by Aboo Daawood and others, from the report of Jaabir (may Allah be pleased with him). See: Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah (no.99).
[5] Collected by al-Bukhaaree (no.5233) and Muslim (no.1341) from the report of Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allah be pleased with him and his father).
[6] Collected by Ahmad in his Musnad from the report of ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him). See: Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah (no.1116).
When choosing a wife, look for someone who will be well behaved and obedient to her future husband. In general, now a days most of the women are influenced by the gender equality ideas by the liberals and thus it might be a cause of future tensions. So look for someone who will be obedient.
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
There are lots of experiences where women are told about potential spouses that “he’s a good brother, he’s always in the masjid, he attends lessons, he has good character, etc.”, including my own. That usually comes from friends or maybe the imam of the masjid they are linked with. Of course, alhamdulillah when that is the case, it is a relief and a joy. What we don’t hear about is how he is with his family. How does he treat his parents? His siblings? What about when they make a mistake or if they’re at a different level of knowledge than him, if they’re Muslim? This can apply the other way too. How is the woman with her family? If there is a way to find out, it might help put insight as to what you might expect as you become the closest person to them. And Allah knows best.
بارك الله فيكم
Yes, I will never forget the advice of a dear sister in my pre-marriage days, “good brothers don’t always make good husbands”. Meaning just because he is always at the masjid does not mean he will be a good husband ; you need to find out his character, how he is with family etc.
1) If we expect to have a spouse who is practicing their Deen to a certain level, we need to ensure that we ourselves are practicing our Deen to that certain level.
Just as we are looking for a righteous wife, the sisters are looking for a righteous husband (or vice versa) as well.
The Messenger (salallāhu ‘alaihi wasallam) said: “The souls are like gathered troops; those that were [created to be] acquainted with each other will come together. And those that were [created to be] averse to each other will oppose one another.” (Muslim, 2638)
(Translation from: https://abukhadeejah.com/souls-of-believers-meet-after-death-the-souls-of-the-living-meet-the-dead-in-dreams)
2) Choose someone who is known to returning back to the Quran and the Sunnah when there are differences so that when there is a disagreement which will occur between spouses, they know that the only solution is to return it back to the Qur’an and the Sunnah
فَإِن تَنَٰزَعْتُمْ فِى شَىْءٍ فَرُدُّوهُ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ وَٱلرَّسُولِ إِن كُنتُمْ تُؤْمِنُونَ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلْيَوْمِ ٱلْءَاخِرِ ذَٰلِكَ خَيْرٌ وَأَحْسَنُ تَأْوِيلًا
And if you disagree among yourselves over anything then refer it back to Allāh and the Messenger if you truly believe in Allāh and the Last Day. That is better (conduct) and (leads to) the most excellent outcome.
(Translation from: https://www.thenoblequran.com/q/#/search/4_59)
3) Choose someone who has good manners with their parents and their siblings (or in their house), because anyone can display good character in public or with their friends, but their real character is found how they behave in their homes.
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته. May Allāh my prolong my life and your life upon all good ya Shaykh Moosaa. Aameen
This is very good Alhamdullillaah.
Here is what in sha’a-Allah I’ll like to add and may Allāh bless me and you and all those seeking His Pleasure sincerely and pardon our shortcomings. Aameen
It is important to not feel pressure into being married. This enables you be’ithnillaah to take your time and ask those questions important to you and then make the decision that benefits you. Yes get married young, but don’t feel rushed when you’re in you 30s and still no marriage (know it’s all the Qadr of Allāh). This mentality may lead you to choosing the wrong person and overlooking redflags and those things that are essential for “you.”
Other people’s customs that Islām hasn’t made waajib should not be forced upon a person. The baseline and yardstick and that which should always come first is what’s in the Dīn. This helps with regard to expectations from each end if one decides to marry a person who doesn’t share the same customs and traditions as theirs.
Yes, we should marry for religion, and this is the foundation. After this, it’s truly important to make sure your views of ife (not contradictory to the Dīn) are aligned. Many a time we are blinded that since we are Salafis (Wallillahil-Hamd), this fixes it all. No some people still have customs and traditions that may affect your marriage since you’re not used to it. So don’t be naive into thinking Salafiyyah fixes it all. Alhamdullillaah it’s the basis, but other things should be taken into account.
Don’t entertain anyone that isn’t Salafi and I will strongly even advised don’t marry from our time women of Ahlul Kitab (not because it’s haram as this is halal without a doubt), but these days, with the many fitnah, one should be assiduous even in matters of permissibility. There are so many fitnah in our times that wasn’t present during the time of the Messenger(upon him be peace) and his companions- so we have to be vigilant. This is about protecting ourselves being influenced (a person is upon the religion of his companion) and what closer companion is there than one’s spouse. Most importantly we have to think of our future children (the Salafs would think about their unborn child as they select their wives out of fear for their salvation- Alhamdullillaah). This woman is going to be raising these kids, so don’t be naive into thinking the companions did it, so too would you. Many have lost their children and themselves even based on this nativity.
Allāhu Alam
And with Allāh lies success.
Anything correct is from Allāh and anything that is not correct is from myself and/or the shaytan and Allāh and His Messenger (peace be upon him) are free from it.
سبحان الله وبحمده أشهد ان لا اله الا الله واستغفر الله و اتوب اليه
*the previous one hard some spelling errors and I hope I’ve edited them here. Subhān Allāh
After the important matters, such as aqeedah, manhaj and character, it’s important to mention things you would strongly dislike in a spouse especially if it is common for their gender.
Examples such as, men wanting to be out with their friends excessively, women overburdening their husbands with unnecessary demands.
Especially if you have seen them in other marriages and you know it would bother you, please mention them before you marry so it is clear to the other person what habits they would have to drop.
Phone use is also an important part of married life, especially with the dangers found online.
And Allah knows best.
So I had a read and this is a good checklist. I do have an opinion that might be difficult for some to receive that I hope can be taken in good faith. I agree that it isn’t always racist to have a preference for an ethnicity or culture *but* the caveat, for me, is the reason behind that preference. If the reason for that preference is based on racial stereotypes (positive or negative), then it is probably a good idea to reevaluate it because it can be racist. We don’t like to admit that we’re influenced by racial conditioning as Salafis, but we’re all liable to being influenced by our environments and I’ve seen and heard very disappointing things from Muslims, even from those in our communities.
I would also encourage people — based on my and others’ experiences — to be more open when it comes to that if your reasons are to do with who you think you’ll be attracted to, because you might be surprised. You can’t really know if you’re going to be attracted to someone until you meet them, and ethnicities and so-called races have thousands of people in them that don’t all look, talk, act, or dress the same. I think culture is different, though, because you’re evaluating based on shared understandings, habits, and upbringing, and these are things that are more tangible. Still, it might be a good a idea sometimes to keep an open mind with that as well if come to know of a person or a family who has good conduct and the potential differences aren’t too stark. و الله أعلم
I have given this a lot of thought and I have researched this somewhat deeply, I am glad there is an opportunity to share this with my salafi brothers and sisters and indeed all muslims
When considering a woman for marriage, find out if in her house she is used to doing house chores or are her sisters or mother the one that does most of it while she sits? If it is the latter it means she will go through difficulty in fulfilling her obligations.
How was his or her relationship with brothers and sisters? Are they used to shouting and getting angry? Those habits will carry over to marriage and children unless he or she purifies herself from those bad manners.
Perhaps one of the most important aspects is: will she be content and grateful with what she has? Or is she of the type that complains and it is difficult for her to be content even when they have more than enough?
How important is the physical appearance? It is the sunnah to seek a spouse to whom you are attracted, but if an unusually high importance is given to outer looks, then it is very possible this person is shallow. do they like taking about themselves a lot? Thinking very highly about themselves and making the outer appearance a strong priority are potential indicators that this person may have problematic personality even if they excel in providing very pleasant company (when they want to be pleasant), rather especially when they excel in being pleasant when they want to. These are characteristics of narcissism.
Do they have genuine empathy? Are they insecure? Lack of empathy and profound (very well disguised) insecurity are signs of narcissism.
Is it easy for him or her to see their mistakes and acknowledge them?
Is he or she able to control their imagination? Or do they come up with theories and then take them to be true? Not controlling the imagination is a major obstacle towards a knowledge-based family. You want the one that can think original thoughts and use his or her imagination, but returns the the major scholars for grounding.
We are all ignorant in one way or the other, but is this person ignorant that they are ignorant? Or do they stop when do not know and say I do not know and seek knowledge?
If they grew up in a environment with jahiliya, how much are they still influenced by that jahiliya? It takes a lot of work to purify oneself from this and it often takes years of work. Are they ready to admit they still need purification or do they act as they are good to go?
Is her family very important to her or him? If yes, then how much will they influence her or his decisions and will this influence be according to the quran and sunnah with understanding of the salaf or will it based on something else? It would not be strange for your spouse to trust their family above what they trust you, especially during the difficult times, so seek what kind of influence will they be influenced with and plan accordingly.
Does she or he have a good disposition or do they often fall into a grumpy or depressed mood?
Are you both on the same page regarding hijra if you live in lands of kufar?
Very well put Biidhnillaah
For the sisters, if you are being lenient with your husbands financially at the beginning of the marriage, please clarify how long you plan on being lenient and the specifics of it. Also, as it relates to polygyny, clarify if that same leniency will be expected if he wants to take another wife, especially if the person he takes on does not require a lot financially. This will prevent a lot of confusion in Shaa Allah.
One major piece of advice is both of the spouses ensuring that the other knows the rules for divorcing/separating properly. If this is not done it can lead to multiple people not getting their rights.
Similarity is key. Having a similar level of religious practice, future goals, cultural background, country of upbringing, socio economic status, family dynamic. All of this shapes a person. The most important thing in any relationship remains to be communication and I cannot emphasize this enough. Communication & understanding is facilitated when you are on the same page, and share a commom goal and mindset. Every marriage has problems, why not try to limit them beforehand by choosing a person whom you share important traits with.
My advice to sisters would be to set some criterion that they are unwavering about and to not fall into the trap of naivety where you forego all the drawbacks of the brother and are making too many excuses for him, in an effort to be easy going. Yes it’s important to overlook certain things as Ustadh Moosaa pointed out, but you should have your core wants and set criterion that you are unwavering about. Listen to the opinions of your family and your own heart which sometimes gets certain feelings for wise reasons.
Additionally, please choose a brother who is compatible with you in character. If he is the polar opposite of you, it could cause issues.
Seek out someone known for good qualities. If the people cannot mention basic things about him that matter to you, eg. kindness, don’t lie to yourself and accept that perhaps the brother is not inherently very kind. Its important to be truthful with yourself and to not sacrifice all that is important to you.
Marriage is no joke and remarrying after making a mistake is harder than being wise from the get go.
Do not confuse an objection to your words and actions from your wife as disobedience or a lack of respect or the influence of ‘feminism/liberal’ thinking.
If you are in the wrong, if you are being unislamic have the courage to thank her and seek rectification together. Do not ignore or belittle her for showing you the truth.
Satisfy yourself that you are happy with their looks as this will become very important later on if you neglect it, do not just marry someone because they are righteous and this comes from personal experience. Satisfy yourself that if you want to have children, any health issues are fully investigated from the right sources and if there are any health issues then be prepared that they might inhibit your spouse from having children easily. Converts, don’t be afraid to say no to a potential spouse just because you think no one born Muslim will take you as this is in the hands of Allah. If you notice early on that there are some major issues that you will not be able to deal with later on then approach the matter imminently with the wali and involve someone of knowledge if needed, ideally satisfy yourself that you are completely happy before the marriage and obey Allah at all times so that he helps you in your affairs. If in doubt seek advice and help from your elder friends in the community that have been married for time and have the wisdom to be able to help you. أسأل الله أن يرزق المسلمين بأزواج صالحين آمين
A word of advice to my sisters: when you are looking for a husband, remember the importance and the place that Allah has given him, and keep in mind to seek Allah’s satisfaction by obeying him. You are not doing it for him but for Allah. Don’t be too demanding, but rather conciliatory and supportive of him on a daily basis.
A long piece of advice for my brothers: your wife is your partner, your advisor, your friend. Don’t get married with the intention of having an all-purpose wife or someone who will submit to your every whim and desire. You are a team and she has a huge part to play. She’s leaving the family cocoon where she’s been cherished by her parents and siblings, so take care of her. Don’t choose harshness with a woman. According to Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him), the Prophet (may the prayers of Allah and His salvation be upon him) said: “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not cause discomfort to his neighbour and be kind to women. Indeed they were certainly created from a rib and the most twisted part of the rib is its upper part. If you want to straighten it, you break it, and if you leave it, it remains crooked. Be kind to women”.
(Reported by Bukhari in his Sahih n°5185)
Marriage isn’t all roses and roses, it’s about give and take, communication and mercy towards each other.
May Allah grant us all the good wherever we find it.
Assalaam alaikum. Marry from a culture where the men and women do not yell or raise their voice when angry. There are not many cultures like this but they do exist. This will save you many headaches in the future inshaaAllaah
To see how a man is, see how he is with the females in his household, his mothers, his sisters, grandmother and aunties. You will get an inclination.
Good character is crucial. Having good religion does not guarantee someone will have good character. Investigate their character. When you find yourself making excuses for them before the nikah, this is a warning sign. You should assess any severe errors you notice and be ready to walk away from the proposal.
When seeking to get married, don’t get so caught up in learning about marriage that you neglect learning about other areas of the religion. Especially don’t neglect learning about aqeedah and tawheed. Also your bad habits don’t disappear once you get married.
One thing that worked out for me was leaving the decision of who I would marry up to Allah. Due to my emotions I wanted to marry one person, but I knew that I wasn’t sure if he was good for me. So, I asked Allah to give me the best man for me and I made istikhara for every potential that came along. And Allah granted me someone that seems very different to me, but we get along very well alhamdulillah.
Have patience in abundance. This will aid your marriage greatly.
If you are choosing a brother who will be living with his parents then make sure you discuss exactly how this will work so there will be no disagreements later on. Meet his mother and any other female relatives you will be living with.
Respect his parents and their rights- you may well find they aid your marriage.
Patience and being easy going is very important when living with in-laws, make sure you consider this carefully before making a decision.
Assalamoalaykum
Check for Mental and Psychological issues too, even if the person looks ok physically.
https://youtu.be/eIf-WDJW2ZE
Also, there is almost a trend where people claim to be Salafis and looking for marriage in Salafis, when you investigate you see they totally cut off from their relatives, claiming that they boycotted us, or we don’t have healthy relationship with them because of Deen and Salafiyyah. So, you lose any chance to investigate their manners with relatives and after marriage you come to know that the problem is with them not with their relatives, but it’s too long to go back now.
You are forced to live your life with misery or end up with divorce & broken family & kids.
And always do not forget to investigate from neutral sources. Unfortunately, many of the relatives and friends always speak good of him/her out of their sympathy and relationship.
You must also investigate the reason for divorce or Khula in case of already married person.
And yes, don’t always try to get someone already upon Salafiyyah, you may try to give Dawah in your family and Allaah may guide someone who can be your future spouse. Its more secure and good in the sense that normally you don’t have to investigate much about their behavior as you and your family already know about his/her’s charater and behavior.
My mother told me, that in Algeria, for poor families, the custom was:
– For the women, that she was clean, either in maintaining the hygiene of ther house, or her body.
– For the man, that he works, he is able to make money, he is not sleeping all day.
When one has this quality + religion, you are eligible for mariage.
My personal reflection is that hygiene is also important for men, who tend to neglect it. When you are intimate with someone, it’s important to have a good body hygiene, a good body smell.
In addition to all the brilliant pieces of advices already mentioned above, I would like to add: When investigating a man or woman, try to find out whether the Eeman of this person is stable or unstable, and whether they take measures in swiftly rectifying their state of low eeman.
Understandably, all of us as fallible human beings will have sins, mistakes and errors, and periods of low Eeman and high Eeman. However, the period of low Eeman should not be extremely low to the point where acts of worship are neglected, duroos are abandoned and there is little effort to rectify that state.
Some of the divorced brothers/sisters often say that one of the reasons for high rates of divorce is the steep decline in Eeman and Taqwa over a number of years in marriage, due to losing zeal for knowledge, ‘ibadah and righteous actions, and becoming overly busy with the wordly affairs.
Ideally, there should be an overall pleasant gradual incline in the eeman and righteous actions in a person’s life.
Advice for brothers: RE: Comparing your wife to other women.
The Prophet sallallaahu alayhi was-sallam said: “None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother, what he loves for himself.” Therefore, do not treat your wife in a manner, neither by speech, nor action with things that you do not love for yourself- specifically in the matter of comparing her with other women or disparaging and belittling her for how she looks. Would you like for your wife to talk about other men, to compare you to them, or to belittle you? You would be the first to admonish her and give her the cold shoulder! In your marriage, the only woman you should be talking about in that sense is her. When you start criticising and comparing her, you’re setting the both of you up for long-term marital crisis- you will break her confidence- she married you believing you found her beautiful, and after marrying her you snatch that away? Now when she no longer trusts you around other women, you will only have yourself to blame. Size yourself up first- if you are not a Yusuf alayhis-Salam, do not expect a female equivalent. If she was beautiful enough to marry in the first place, then critiquing her later is nothing but harshness. In addition to that, perhaps the ones you are comparing her to have never laid their head on the ground for a single sujood- and even iiblees did so once upon a time… just to show how worthless in the sight of Allah that such a person may be, whilst you are elevating them to your believing wife.
Men don’t realise how much fakery exists in the world we live in today, even the average non-high earning woman is able to get some type of cosmetic adjustment- lash extensions, hair extensions, lip fillers, Botox, micro bladed eyebrows- and you would see it and not know because men dont know these things like women do- then how is it fair, to compare your bare faced, natural wife to artificial manipulation of beauty? Men have the privilege of going out bare-faced because men don’t wear makeup traditionally. Muslim women are therefore not likely to subject their husbands to the same ‘beauty standards’ that they will be subjected to, given that the vast majority of women these days are committing tabarruj and enhancing or severely changing what they naturally have. Be mindful of these things. She is a Mu’minah, living life in a way thats pleasing to Allah. Don’t make the Kaafiraat an aspiration for her, thus leading her astray when you were supposed to help her walk the straight path. Our sisters don’t need mental health issues. They only get to marry one man (normally) so don’t destroy her confidence in good men existing because shes stuck with you and your lack of Hikmah in your marriage. BaarakAllaahu Feekum.
Asalaamu Alaikum,
What is your advice for a woman with a venereal disease (HSV) who wants to get married and needs help finding a husband, but she is shy to go to the masjid administration because she doesn’t want people to find out about her condition?
Wa ‘alaykum as-Salaamu wa rahmatullaah. She needs an intelligent walee who can hide her identity and find potential spouses with the same disease, without revealing her identity (at first). Then, when there is a potential match, with real interest from both sides, her identity can be revealed. These matters are a sensitive trust, so a careful approach is needed, to safeguard people’s honor as well as their rights. And Allah knows best.
السلام عليكم,
A question & seeking advice:
Ustaadh,
If a women is seeking a husband and finds a man who attends duroos but religious habits outside of the masjid may not match hers e.g. praying last 3rd of the night, reading books of knowledge/studying outside of class, learning Arabic, a desire to meet scholars etc…(meaning he may not do these outside of the masjid while she does)
Is this something that may affect the marriage and the dynamic between the two? Should this be something excusable considering men work however some sisters seek someone who ‘strives.’ Or on the same level of striving.
Jazaaki Allaahu Khayran