{"id":6977,"date":"2023-08-10T09:03:39","date_gmt":"2023-08-10T13:03:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/?p=6977"},"modified":"2023-08-10T10:32:43","modified_gmt":"2023-08-10T14:32:43","slug":"pooling-ideas-advise-your-brothers-sisters-trying-to-get-married-interactive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/pooling-ideas-advise-your-brothers-sisters-trying-to-get-married-interactive.htm","title":{"rendered":"Pooling Ideas: Advise Your Brothers & Sisters Trying to Get Married [Interactive]"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Ever Merciful…<\/em><\/p>\n

Some of us were married, and those marriages did not work out. Instead of focusing on the negative side of such an event, let us be productive and help others by sharing what you would advise a brother or sister considering marriage to ask about before the marriage.<\/p>\n

Others of us got married, and Allah blessed us with good marriages. This is also a great resource for others. Your success -a gift from Allah- includes steps in a process that worked out well. So share what worked out well for you, perhaps someone might find a great deal of benefit in it!<\/p>\n

The topic is potentially very broad. Culture and local customs can play a role.<\/p>\n

Let me begin by offering some general reminders that some of us might find helpful, by Allah’s Permission. (Contribute to the content of this article by using the “Leave a reply” feature below.)<\/em><\/p>\n

1. Marry people of upright religion.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) said:<\/p>\n

\n

\u0625\u0630\u0627 \u0623\u062a\u0627\u0643\u0645 \u0645\u0646 \u062a\u0631\u0636\u0648\u0646 \u062e\u0644\u0642\u0647 \u0648\u062f\u064a\u0646\u0647 \u0641\u0632\u0648\u062c\u0648\u0647 \u0625\u0646 \u0644\u0627 \u062a\u0641\u0639\u0644\u0648\u0627 \u062a\u0643\u0646 \u0641\u062a\u0646\u0629 \u0641\u064a \u0627\u0644\u0623\u0631\u0636 \u0648\u0641\u0633\u0627\u062f \u0639\u0631\u064a\u0636<\/strong>
\n“When someone comes to you with manners and religion you are pleased with, then marry him [to your wards]. If you do not, there will be trials in the land and widespread corruption.”<\/strong> [1]<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

When a person fears Allah and upholds his\/her duty to Allah, such a person will respect and honor your rights, since Allah is the One who gave each person their rights. Openly disobedient people show the world that they do not really care about the limits of Allah in their personal practice, so why should we really expect that they would honor our rights?<\/p>\n

Benefit:<\/strong> Guidance from the Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) is for both genders; it is not limited to the gender mentioned in the wording. This is a general principle applied broadly, unless there is evidence to restrict it to one of the two genders.[2]<\/p>\n

Reminder:<\/strong> Of course, the best part of one’s upright religion is correct creed. Allah says:<\/p>\n

\u0641\u0625\u0646 \u0622\u0645\u0646\u0648\u0627 \u0628\u0645\u062b\u0644 \u0645\u0627 \u0622\u0645\u0646\u062a\u0645 \u0628\u0647 \u0641\u0642\u062f \u0627\u0647\u062a\u062f\u0648\u0627<\/strong>
\n“If they believe as you (the Prophet -may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace- and his believing Companions) have believed, they are indeed rightly guided.”<\/strong> (2:137)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2. Be practical and realistic regarding human flaws.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

People are flawed. Be investigative, but not overly critical and unnecessarily disqualifying. Some people tend to look for any reason to reject a potential spouse; the slightest imperfection renders the potential spouse unsuitable! (Maybe that is why they never actually get married!) Instead, look for good solid basics, but do not require perfection. Consider how we are guided to realistic patience and a practical approach to a spouse’s flaws in the hadeeth:<\/p>\n

\u0644\u0627 \u064a\u0641\u0631\u0643 \u0645\u0624\u0645\u0646 \u0645\u0624\u0645\u0646\u0629\u060c \u0625\u0646 \u0643\u0631\u0647 \u0645\u0646\u0647\u0627 \u062e\u0644\u0642\u0627 \u0631\u0636\u064a \u0645\u0646\u0647\u0627 \u0622\u062e\u0631<\/strong>
\n“A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her manners, he will be pleased with other manners she has.”<\/strong> [3]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

3. Consider what is really important to you.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Don’t blindly follow other people’s “list of questions to ask”. After the basics of good religious beliefs and practice, with good manners, consider what is important to you personally. Start by being honest with yourself and admitting to yourself what is important to you. If you prefer a certain look or skin tone, or a certain ethnicity or cultural background, you are not a racist for that inclination. This is a matter of personal preference.<\/p>\n

Example:<\/strong> It might seem silly or petty to some people, but if a person’s toenails<\/strong> need to be upon a certain standard, and this is something which is actually important to you, then ask to see the person’s toes. You might be saying: Why would that be important? Well, it is obviously not important to you, but others might find it significant enough. Some ladies might require a certain height, others might be inclined against a man with a patchy beard, or too much arm hair (or not enough).<\/p>\n

The point is:<\/strong> Be honest with yourself. If physical looks are important to you, then seek out someone who matches your specific interests in that regard. If it is a sense of humor, or a level of seriousness in character, then seek out someone who possesses what you are looking for.<\/p>\n

The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) said:<\/p>\n

\u0625\u0630\u0627 \u062e\u0637\u0628 \u0623\u062d\u062f\u0643\u0645 \u0627\u0644\u0645\u0631\u0623\u0629 \u0641\u0625\u0646 \u0627\u0633\u062a\u0637\u0627\u0639 \u0623\u0646 \u064a\u0646\u0638\u0631 \u0645\u0646\u0647\u0627 \u0625\u0644\u0649 \u0645\u0627 \u064a\u062f\u0639\u0648\u0647 \u0625\u0644\u0649 \u0646\u0643\u0627\u062d\u0647\u0627 \u0641\u0644\u064a\u0641\u0639\u0644<\/strong>
\n“When one of you proposes to a woman, if he is able to look at whatever might encourage him to marry her, let him do so.”<\/strong> [4]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Reminder:<\/strong> This is not only for the males; this hadeeth is guidance for females as well [2], to look at what they would consider important to them when considering a potential spouse.<\/p>\n

Benefit:<\/strong> The wording of the hadeeth is general, “look at whatever might encourage him to marry her,”<\/strong> which includes toenails (as mentioned in the previous example), or anything else which is important.<\/p>\n

Reminder:<\/strong> Do not over-emphasize physical appearance. Keep in mind that in 10 or 20 years, you are both likely unattractive (by your standards today). What will remain is what builds the marriage and raises children: piety, integrity, trustworthiness, honesty, cooperation, and integrity.<\/p>\n

4. Do not approach marriage with disobedience and\/or religious neglect.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Looking for a life partner is a serious thing. It helps you fulfill half of your religion. So do not approach such a crucial thing with disregard for important manners that protect your modesty and integrity. One of the most common acts of harmful disregard for Islamic rulings which I advise against is: Seclusion with one’s potential spouse<\/strong>, without a third party. Such a thing is forbidden, and it only brings your sworn enemy into the relationship before it even gets going! The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) said:<\/p>\n

\u0644\u0627 \u064a\u062e\u0644\u0648\u0646 \u0631\u062c\u0644 \u0628\u0627\u0645\u0631\u0623\u0629 \u0625\u0644\u0627 \u0648\u0645\u0639\u0647\u0627 \u0630\u0648 \u0645\u062d\u0631\u0645<\/strong>
\n“A man must never be alone in seclusion with a woman without her mahram (male family member) present.”<\/strong> [5]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In a similar hadeeth:<\/p>\n

\u0644\u0627 \u064a\u062e\u0644\u0648\u0646 \u0623\u062d\u062f\u0643\u0645 \u0628\u0627\u0645\u0631\u0623\u0629\u060c \u0641\u0625\u0646 \u0627\u0644\u0634\u064a\u0637\u0627\u0646 \u062b\u0627\u0644\u062b\u0647\u0645\u0627<\/strong>
\n“None of you should ever be alone with a lady, since the devil would be the third party among you.”<\/strong> [6]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This includes seclusion in a physical place, behind closed doors, and by extension: whatever situation would include the same potential harm. How many times have potential spouses met in private online, in heedlessness or intentional disregard, or chatted, texted, or called one another, and the Shaytaan did what he does!? He joins in and steers their private meeting into inappropriate and shameful things! We ask Allah for safety and well being.<\/p>\n

The reality:<\/strong> If a potential spouse is willing to meet with you in seclusion (in person, by phone, or online), without a family member present or any third party, against the guidance of the Messenger of Allah (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace), then you should expect that -if you married that person-, then you will be troubled later: How can you trust this person who met with you in seclusion when that was not permissible? How can you feel safe that he\/she will not be meeting others online in seclusion, since there is a basis of disregard for this matter from the start of the relationship? This can remain an unresolved and troubling matter throughout your marriage.<\/p>\n

The solution:<\/strong> Shut the door on the Shaytaan. Approach marriage with modesty and integrity, through the lady’s guardian (walee<\/em>) as a third party, and do not communicate without a third party, even if it is common, and even if the walee<\/em> approves of such behavior. Protect your modesty and start your marriage the right way. May Allah give you success.<\/p>\n

To be continued… in shaa’ Allah<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Written by: Moosaa Richardson (1445.01.23)<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTIONS:<\/strong><\/p>\n

From Abu Abdullah:<\/strong> Having a spouse with similar financial habits will smooth out your marriage immensely… Choose a spouse who has a healthy, loving relationship with both of their parents… Test their kindness (or have it tested). See how they are with people who can do nothing for them (waiters, old ladies needing help, etc.), animals, babies, elderly, etc.<\/p>\n

From [Anonymous]:<\/strong> When choosing a wife, look for someone who will be well behaved and obedient to her future husband. In general, nowadays most of the women are influenced by the gender equality ideas by the liberals, and thus it might be a cause of future tensions. So look for someone who will be obedient.<\/p>\n

CONTRIBUTE:<\/strong> Add to the discussion using the “Leave a reply”<\/em> feature below.<\/p>\n

FOOTNOTES:<\/strong><\/p>\n

[1] Collected by at-Tirmithee, Ibn Maajah, and others, from the report of Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him). Al-Albaanee called it hasan<\/em> (sound) in Irwaa’ al-Ghaleel<\/em> (no.1868).<\/p>\n

[2] Based on the hadeeth of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her), who narrated that Umm Sulaym (may Allah be pleased with her) asked about a woman’s nocturnal discharge from a sexual dream. The Prophet (may Allah raise his rank and grant him peace) confirmed that the same ruling which applies to the men also applies to woman here, that such a woman must take a full bath if she finds evidence of ejaculation, and then he added this principle:<\/p>\n

\u0625\u0646\u0645\u0627 \u0627\u0644\u0646\u0633\u0627\u0621 \u0634\u0642\u0627\u0626\u0642 \u0627\u0644\u0631\u062c\u0627\u0644<\/strong>
\n“Women are merely the siblings of men.”<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This authentic hadeeth was collected by Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, at-Tirmithee and others, and it proves that all rulings in Islam -by default- are for both men and women equally, until specific evidence exempts one or the other. See: Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah<\/em> (no.2863).<\/p>\n

[3] Collected by Muslim in his Saheeh<\/em> (no.1469), from the report of Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him).<\/p>\n

[4] Collected by Aboo Daawood and others, from the report of Jaabir (may Allah be pleased with him). See: Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah<\/em> (no.99).<\/p>\n

[5] Collected by al-Bukhaaree (no.5233) and Muslim (no.1341) from the report of Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allah be pleased with him and his father).<\/p>\n

[6] Collected by Ahmad in his Musnad<\/em> from the report of ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him). See: Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth as-Saheehah<\/em> (no.1116).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Ever Merciful… Some of us were married, and those marriages did not work out. Instead of focusing on the negative side of such an event, let us be productive and help … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[93,85,64,1315],"tags":[1759,1667,1088,81,1523,1761,231,1754,1755,1757,1760,840,1758,1756,1753,1762],"class_list":["post-6977","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family-life","category-fiqh-islamic-rulings","category-original-articles","category-resources","tag-correct-creed","tag-good-character","tag-good-manners","tag-islamic-manners","tag-islamic-marriage","tag-looking-before-marriage","tag-marriage","tag-muslim-husbands","tag-muslim-wives","tag-preparing-for-marriage","tag-questions-for-marriage","tag-salafee-creed","tag-seclusion","tag-sit-downs-before-marriage","tag-spouses","tag-third-party-needed"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6977","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6977"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6977\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6987,"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6977\/revisions\/6987"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6977"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6977"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bakkah.net\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6977"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}